It’s been almost a year since a friend that I will refer to as M had the nerve to tell me that she was worried about my “habits”. I mean yes, I do drink like a fish and indulge in a few other substances but in no way do I have a problem- if I did, I would have finished that second bottle of Merlot, taken 2 Xanaxs instead of one and joined some people at my favorite bar. Instead, here I am writing about celebrity rehab facilities because I know them well enough. I’ve visited hundreds of friends in some of the most exclusive facilities around the world. Fortunately, even though I have come close to a stint in rehab, I have never allowed myself to succumb to addiction. You see, in my opinion, addiction is a luxury that I just can’t afford- mentally and financially. I will also state now that I have very little sympathy for people who can’t get their shit in order - my mantra is work hard and play as hard as you want to. And in case you had any doubts, I’m no angel, I ‘ve played with the best of them.

But I have to admit that recently I wouldn’t mind taking a month off from society and checking in. I’m just about ready to stage my own intervention like some of my friends have! If you don’t understand why I am considering getting committed then you obviously know nothing of the new generation of rehab facilities. Now, though they deny it they are nothing but ultra luxurious retreats for the rich and the bored; gone are the days where the addicted (at least the wealthy ones) were dragged off kicking and screaming. Find below the popular rehab jaunts for those with the funds and habits that they never almost never kick:

Promises, Malibu

Promises Treatment Centers

Location: Malibu & West Los Angeles - you want to be in Malibu though
Specialties: Alcohol, Cocaine, Codeine, Heroin, Marijuana, Methamphetamine, Oxycodone.
Perks: Gorgeous views of the Pacific, screening rooms, luxury spa services, fine dining, yoga- the only thing missing would be my daily Gin and Tonic at 5pm.
Celebrity Guests: Diana Ross, Mike Tyson, Tara Reid, Lindsay Lohan, Tatum O’ Neal, Charlie Sheen, Britney Spears, Iman and more important people I can’t mention for legal reasons.
But swapping stories with some of the most dysfunctional celebrities or trying to get a sober companion for an afternoon of shopping isn’t too bad away to spend a month.
Cons: Minimum stay of 30 days and the $50,000 bill.

Stone Eagle Retreat, Malibu

Stone Eagle Retreat Facility

One of the relatively clandestine and most exclusive treatment facilities in Malibu. I took their quiz to find out if I have a problem and the results were “This is a definite sign that your drinking patters are harmful and considered alcohol/drug dependent or alcoholic/drug addict”. Oops, really ?
Location: The Malibu Hills- a 21 acre private ranch
Specialties:Alcohol, Cocaine, Codeine, Heroin, Marijuana, Methamphetamine, Oxycodone
Perks: They only take on 6 clients- I mean addicts at a time, Personalized clinical therapy, access to a Health & Wellness Director, Medical Doctors, Hypnotherapy, Masseurs, Gourmet Chef, Chemical Dependency Specialists, Adventure Director, & After-Care Planning Specialists, Holisitc Therapy- sounds like Shangri-La without the booze.
Celebrity Guests: everyone’s actually silent about Stone Eagle, will keep you updated. If there are any disgruntled former guests at Stone Eagle who might be reading this… email me at sebastien@glossless.com
Cons: A dubious cocktail called Prometa that will allegedly eliminate your cravings for any substance - I dare Stone Eagle to use me as a guinea pig, if they succeed, I promise I will give them 6 clients per month for a year! And the $42,000 bill that your 30 day stay will cost you.

Cliffside, Malibu

CLiffside Malibu

Cliffside claims to be one of the most exclusive and personalized treatments in the country. This where the creme de la creme of addicts retreat.
Location: Malibu
Specialties: Alcohol, Cocaine, Codeine, Heroin, Marijuana, Methamphetamine, Oxycodone, Eating Disorders, Depression etc.
Perks: Personalized individualized Therapy, Stunning Pacific Ocean Views,Perosnal Trainers, Acupuncture, Spa Services, Yoga, Hiking and Gourmet Chefs.
Celebrity Guests: Henry Nicholas and many more but Cliffside is really private
Cons: At $62,000 per month I’d rather invest it a few choice bottles of wine.

Sierra Tucson, Arizona

Sierra Tucson

Sierra Tucson has been “curing” addicts since 1983 and is regarded as one of the premier treatment facilities for substance and behavioral problems.
Location: Tucson, Arizona on a 160 acres of pristine country
Specialties: Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, Depression, Anxiety, Trauma, Eating Disorders, Sexual Addiction, Mental and Behavioral Problems.
Perks: Spa Services, Fitness Centers, Acupuncture, Labyrinth, Medical Facilities, Lodges, Recreational Facilities.
Celebrity Guests: Michael Douglas, Patrick Swayze, David Duchovny, Heather Locklear, Whitney Houston, Some Members of The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nicole Richie and many others.
Cons: Austere, no contact between “guests”, they monitor what you wear, read, listen to or discuss; very strict rules basically a $45,000 per month prison.
There are ways around the no touching rules - people would wander off onto the trails or in the Labyrinth and have a quick roll in the bushes.

Silver Hill Hospital, Connecticut

Silver Hills

Billed as a psychiatric institution, Silver Hill has been in operation since 1931.
Location: New Canaan, Connecticut - does the word Canaan make anyone else uncomfortable?
Specialties: Mood Disorders, Psychoses, Eating Disorders, Personality Disorders, Substance Abuse and an emphasis of patients with dual disorders.
Perks: Apart from perpetual monitoring none that I can think of; it’s a scary thought but they just might cure you permanently.
Cons: It makes the Betty Ford Clinic look like a weekend in the Hamptons and in case you didn’t know the Betty Ford Clinic is not by any means pleasant.
Celebrity Guests: Billy Joel, Mariah Carey, its been rumored that have Joan Kennedy and Liza Minnelli also visited; Jerry Garcia passed away there.

There you have it, some of the 5 most social rehabs that the United States has to offer. Is it time for me to check in? No, but it is time for a nightcap.