Say what you will but the word illegitimate will always have some negative connotations. Doubt me? How do you think let’s say Jude Law’s child with Samantha Burke will feel when she discovers that she was (and how shall I put this mildly) conceived out of wedlock? I can imagine that conversation now, Samantha Burke trying to keep a straight face as she tells little Sophie ” you were conceived out of love”! Let’s consider some of the most infamous celebrity babies that were conceived out of wedlock:

 

Ashlee Simpson’s Special Delivery

April 9th, 2008: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz announce their engagement while vehemently denying rumors of a little bundle of joy- hence the shotgun wedding.  Other than her infernal warbling and inability to be a civilized drunk, I personally don’t have anything against Simpson. Five days after their engagement, Wentz   issued  a statement to MTV vehemently denying that they were expecting. Fast forward a few months later and the happy couple introduced Bronx Mowgli Wentz to the world. As far as unplanned pregnancies go, their’s wasn’t that atrocious because at least Simpson and Wentz were and continue to be in a  monogamous, committed mistake.

 

 

Jamie Lynn’s Not So Immaculate Conception

Ah, to be 16 and pregnant- wait, that wasn’t my dream and I’m certain that it wasn’t Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge’s dream either! Obviously, this dynamic duo who met in church weren’t only praying in their spare time. After two years of dating, the Nickelodeon star confessed on December 18th, 2007 that she was pregnant and shocked. Well, Jamie certainly found out the hard way that unprotected sex occasionally results in babies! What’s wrong with kids of today?  With all this information at their disposal, you would think that they would at least make some effort to engage in safer sexual practices. Long story short, after much fanfare, little Maddie Brian made her debut on June 20th 2008. I don’t care how progressive you are but 16 year old’s should not be having children! I don’t know what’s more appropriate in such circumstances- either offering congratulations or extending my condolences? Either way, thus far, Aldridge has proven to be a rather stalwart figure in his daughter’s life.

 

 

Unclaimed Buns: Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston

Under ordinary circumstances, I wouldn’t pay much attention to Bristol Palin but then I remember her new found role as a paragon of virtue and spokesperson for the prevention of teenage pregnancy and it gets me all riled up. Last year, one of my greatest nightmares- Sarah Palin, issued a statement regarding her 17 year old daughter’s pregnancy. What ensued was one of the best public relations/damage control campaigns of the century which fortunately unraveled as quickly as Palin’s hopes for the vice presidency. What really bothered me in that particular scenario were the double standards and hypocrisy that appear to be  indicative of most of the Republican party. Shortly after Jamie Lynn Spears announced her pregnancy, the king of all the imbeciles in the land- Bill O’Reilly lambasted her on his show. However, when Palin announced her personal embarrassment, O’Reilly declared that the subject was a  personal matter. My thoughts on the subject require an entire article (which will be coming shortly); however on December 27th 2008, Bristol delivered Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. Their pending engagement a thing of the past, Levi Johnston or the “fuckin redneck“  as he prefers to be known has gone on the offensive with a series of press junkets that must be  irking the former governor of Alaska to no end. Things like this just prove that God has a sense of humor and he’s without a doubt British.

 

 

Samantha Burke’s Golden Ticket- Sophie Law

If you’ve been mentioned in this article and are angry then make sure to direct your anger towards the consummate philanderer Jude Law whose impending mistake with Samantha Burke prompted this article. Law, who already has three children is currently expecting the fourth following a brief dalliance with the warrior princess lookalike. Apparently Burke is a celebrity hunter because she has been “seen” with other celebrities such as Jeremy Piven, Tyson Beckford and Stewart Bradley. Now, I’m not saying that she ’s slept with all of them; I’m merely insinuating that it’s a strong possibility. Either way, Burke has without a doubt, snagged one of those golden egg laying geese. This is the sexy bastard’s fourth child, fourth! Ever heard of that old adage mate? I believe it goes like “hey now, don’t be silly- put a condom on your willy”. One thing’s for certain though, parents hide your wards of childbearing age, Law is obviously one virile son of a bitch.

 

 

The Prince And His Heirs

Of  the celebrities mentioned thus far, none of them have as much as stake as Albert Alexandre Louis Pierre Grimaldi or as he is better known Albert II, Prince of Monaco. Albert, has sired two children- Jazmin Grace Grimaldi and Alexandre Éric Stéphane Coste with two different women. Now, if you’re some piddling celebrity with a love child- big deal but when you have no legitimate heirs and there’s a minimum of $1.4 billion and a 700 year old monarchy to be inherited, it becomes something of a big deal. Despite his acknowledgment, neither of his two children are  considered as lawful heirs to the throne and  should Albert fail to produce a lawful heir, the throne  shall pass over to his either of his siblings; Princess  Caroline of Hanover. To the best of our knowledge Albert is no hurry to get married so Princess Caroline and her children stand to inherit the throne. In case you’re wondering why I’m so deferential at this point I would like to quote Voltaire who once said “now now, this is not the time to make enemies”. I’ve  spent a considerable amount of time in Monaco in the past and I wish to continue doing so in the future.

 

There you have it, boy meets girl, they proceed to do the horizontal tango without the requisite safeguards, nine months later the stork visits and leaves what most people try to  portray as a welcome package. How would you feel if UPS dropped of a package that  demanded your constant attention for at least eighteen years? Considering the circumstances, an unplanned pregnancy is actually a blessing in disguise- any of these celebrities could have received a healthy dose of permanent, self-replenishing gifts such as AIDS or gonorrhea- just a thought.